I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
