The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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