I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
