thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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