i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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