Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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