when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
