If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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