We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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