you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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