yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
