Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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