The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
