so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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