we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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