Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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