I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
