Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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