How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
