i need an iv and a liver transplant
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
