he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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