she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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