Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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