Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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