I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn