she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
