i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
