Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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