so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
