just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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