she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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