apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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