You're completely useless in the revolution.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
