end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
