Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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