I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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