Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
