it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I met the friendliest cop last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Randomize
