saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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