I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
