So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
