I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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