Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
What a dumb baby whore.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
