The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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