that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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