she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
