He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
