Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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