Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Houston, we have a squirter
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
