Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
