I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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