I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
