So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
