saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
