So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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