So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
