Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Enjoy the penises
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
