when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
